Thick as one Fat Frank

Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard came out in defence of Wayne Rooney this week and criticised observers who make “lazy” assumptions about his fellow England player and call him “thick” (link).

Okay, so the affairs, the drunken nights out and the turning-his-back-on-Manchester-United-and-then-turning-back-again were not the cleverest of moves for Rooney, but Frank has a point.

“Thick” is an easy go-to adjective for some sections of the press and – it follows – the public to label Rooney with, particularly given his recent shenanigans. It extends, to a certain degree, to all footballers. But to label them thick is, as Frank says, “just a lazy thing to say”.

Lampard is generally considered to be an exception to the footballer = thick rule (we are constantly reminded that he attended Brentwood school and has an O level in Latin). At the other end of the ‘thick’ scale, however, is David Beckham.

Here’s the thing. It suits Becks – a national (and personal) hero – to come across as thick. More than that, it is part of Brand Beckham. He and his brand advisors go out of their way to ensure he comes across that way, because it’s key to his brand’s success.

Whenever and however David Beckham is interviewed, the four pillars of Brand Beckham will always hold up what he has to say. Beckham will always come across as:

– Immaculately dressed

– A supremely gifted sportsman

– (Not to be too homo-erotic about it, but) beautiful

– Thick

The first three are obvious strands to Beckham’s enduring popularity. But why ‘thick’?

Because if Becks is seen as thick, he isn’t seen as a threat to the people he and his sponsors want to buy the products he endorses and buy into Brand Beckham. Being ‘thick’ makes him an infinitely more accessible – and saleable – property.

So when Becks says stuff like ‘I’ve been reading Victoria’s new book – I’ve had it a fortnight and I’m only on page 10’, he’s not stupid, he’s just running with the public’s perception of him in order to build his brand.

Beckham is well advised, but he also plays the role he has carved out for himself to perfection. But he is far from ‘thick’. Becks delivered a measured and articulate statement to the press when he stepped down as England captain in 2006, for which he received a standing ovation (from THE PRESS). He was comfortable giving press conferences in Spanish at Real Madrid (stupid in two languages? I think not). He is also an incredibly sophisticated human computer with an astoundingly accurate perception of depth and distance that enables him to land a ball on a penny from 70 yards.

Rooney is in a similar situation, though perhaps not on the same scale, and with different misdemeanours fresher in his past. I’m not suggesting that Rooney embraces being ‘thick’ in the same way as Beckham. But there is an extent to which it suits his public persona.

And if he wants Manchester United fans to forgive him for saying the club ‘lacked ambition’ and that he wanted out, it’s probably a persona he should embrace.